250 sec with Mallika Sherawat

Going to college is like a battle for me which I always rosily look forward to lose. One fine morning when the sun was beating its hammer on the anvil of the land, I fully equipped my arsenal and took the chariot(yeah the red color minibus) for the battlefield. As the chariot wheels started trolling a gentleman sitting in-front of me ushered his seat to a ravishing 31st century girl(you will never find a 21st century girl in my area divulging her cleave as big as palk strait). Cursing my fluke or rather disappointed at the prima facie, I stared at my fellow gentleman with the slightest hope that had he done that philanthropy I would have benefited him with the chariots fare. As I was trying to consolidate my deviated focus to the locus ahead, my harbinger rang “aahun aahun”. It was one of my classmate saurav who reminded me that we have to submit internetworking report file. His voice was so profound that I almost came back to 21st century. The phone call resurrected my garden of dirty thoughts from the palk strait straight to the battlefield within nano-seconds. I challenged my intellectual and as usual it began transporting notions to rationalize.The thought of what-excuses-can-be-made” perpetually floated through the lush green garden of my mind until I reached the battlefield.

As I was looking for a rickshaw saifu sang again “aahun aahun”. A husky voice in American accent pouted something. The decade long stint of my phone was always entitled to communicate in hindi/hinglish therefore it couldn’t even decode a single word of that accent. The voice was like Amitabh Bachaan minus American accent narrating the prologue of some b-wood flick. I was about to disconnect thinking of the credit card or some insurance baskies until I figured out the word “twitter”. Without the flex of any neuron the whimsical figure of Mallika Sherawat reminiscence from the museum of my past, eclipsing my temple. A fresh unleash of blood pumped out of my heart electrifying my skeleton. I was feeling like a newly married groom who is just minutes away from entering the room at his first h-moon, unable to control the titillation. The train of dirty thoughts finally boarded at the station when a cocky voice (yeah u know the arrogant emo type americans) uttered “you are the winner of twonnet(poem) contest”; err giving me the blinding glimpse of the conspicuous. Given the naughty americans love for three (I mean the digit 3), he went on pouting that she will call you right after 3 minutes and you will be allowed to talk for only 3 minutes as she is tired and will go to sleep after 3 minutes. Given my precociousness, I intervened him “who are you, what’s your name.” He retorted back William, I am her American brother. My past experience of listening to rather most humiliating line for the adolescent India “All Indians are my brothers and sisters” made me grinn, wow the Americans follows the same suit. After hanging up my phone a juice poured out of my cerebrum “In USA does brother tantamount to a bodyguard?” yuck pseud Americans, I mumbled.

Through one of my sense which comprise of lens saw a train of yellow buses (the heritage buses) beaconing which had always vexed the college road hence like a vagabond I started searching for a tranquil lane. For the first time I found myself unperturbed, don’t know the exact reason probably I was chewing a gum which was like a sedative for me (or may be chewing a gum is always cool atleast infront of the femmes).After exactly four minutes (four??) saifu sang again and with that my adrenaline gland doubled its secretion with the purest of hope that a sensuous cum voluptuous voice of Indian accent will produce sound wave in my labyrinth. But as my destiny is linked with conspiracy, instead of the blessed damsel, William brother (wow that rhymed with William sisters) again regurgitated the same threesome lines. Finally he said ‘I am bringing her on the line and she is all yours for three minutes’. The latter part of his sentence made me intellectually bankrupt hence misting up my gray cells for seconds. The relentless bombardment of dirty thoughts finally halted when Malikaye Hindustan exuded my name juxtaposed with the Edison’s invented word Hello...

the conversation with MS in my next post...

Here is the TWITTER ANNOUNCEMENT and POEM

Pseudo-secularism..

Religion, caste, race and color are the roots which has lead to myriads of civil strife ubiquitously. Be it in India where hindu-muslim differences catapulted to partition, amercian civil war which put an end to the slave dynasty,south Africa’s policy of apartheid, irish-british conflicts, french war which bifurcated protestant and catholic, lebanese war between the christians and the muslims.
In theory according to the constitution of India, India is a secular state but pragmatically meditating on this will infer that it is unfortunately very far from it. Secularism means a doctrine that rejects religion and its religious considerations. Precisely the Government of India does not treat its citizen equal in matters of religion. It relentlessly gets involve in temple administration, temple funding or subsidizing pilgrimages.
Religion is very much a private affair and the state should not poke their nose in sectarian matters. The first bill of US rights prudently divulge that “congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibit the free exercise of promoting thereof..” It says ‘complete separation of church from the state’. The absence of religious strife in US is attributed to this law itself. This is why america is the strongest democracy.
While it is in uber contrast when we compare the status quo in India. The indian government pays a huge subsidy to its Muslim citizens for performing Haj to Saudi Arabia. In 2008, Rs 700 crores of the tax-payers money was paid for this purpose.
The rationale behind the Indian government subsidy goes against any notion of social equality and justice. No other country on earth including the Islamic country subsidizes Haj. Subsidies can be vindicated incase when market fails to deliver social optimal necessities for public good. But the subsidization of Haj is no market failure and the benefits are reaped only by one sect of the society. This tantamount to rob one sect to pay another sect as according to economic right one has the prerogative to spend one’s income as one sees fit. This also contravenes the free and fair elections in India as the political parties try to woo the muslim vote banks. Even the Prime Minister who is as innocent as freshly laid egg at the “All state Chief Minister” meet ranted that the minorities has the first right to the nation’s resources. That was a ridiculous statement as our PM and his party should embrace it to their DNA that each single individual is the smallest minority in any democratic state.
Finally, there is pernicious effect once an unearned benefit is granted, they will always expect more and more. And moreover if you try to dissolve the benefits, be prepared to face the wrath of beneficiaries. The politicians will never let 26% of the muslim vote bank to siphoned off. So this conundrum has only one solution: move the funding of Haj subsidy from public domain to private domain. Firstly, this will tranquil the non-muslims who thinks their moolahs are getting drained. Secondly, it will take out politics from the whole issue.
If India truly wants to be become a secular multi-religious state, the legislature should make amendments to its present etiquettes. It should not interfere in any religious matter whatsoever. The recent non-secular activities in India((kandhamal riots) are the major albatross in getting into the security-council. It’s very heart-breaking how each time India is denied its well deserved position in the security-council.

happy independence day.
Credit: Pragati

From Ape to bloke..

Innovation is the prerogative of the homo-sapiens. Everything in this world is created twice; firstly by contemplating and secondly by implementing those notions physically. The contemporary world is also a prototype what the “early man” vividly visualized then. The vogues of the world are somehow attributed to the erstwhile generations who innovated every unnatural piece in this earth. The adage “Necessity is the mother of all invention” holds true for each diminutive invention that the man has ever invented”.
Early man used to communicate through sign languages. Afterwards they felt the need to better the mode of communication so they invented millions of jargons. Again after internationalization came into effect they felt the need of lingua franca so English became the universal jargon.
History tells us that early man used to stalk miles as a vagabond, they felt the need of wheels so they invented wheels so was the fire discovered and so were the weapons. The present generation common things are the innovations of the earlier generation.
The proliferation from early man to the modern bloke is profoundly the result of their necessities. The basic need of mind, body and soul can be plagiarized from the title of the notorious bollywood blockbuster roti, kapda aur makaan(food, clothing and shelter). These are the three meager need for which a thief steals in-spite the cognizance of the consequences if caught, a servant is always ready to serve his masters decibel of such intensity that even air would crackle with electricity. Human needs are insatiable and a person necessity can even shove a camel to pass through an eye of a needle.

Those were the days..

Those were the days when the moon shone
The luminance kissed the surface of river rhone
For now I am as depleted as ozone
Waiting for you to come to my zone

Those were the days when you used to be not around
My life would turn upside down
For in search of factitious crown
Mea-culpa, I made you frown

Those were the days when your one silent glare
Would beacon like magnesium flare
For now I am in dark
Where even mutts don’t bark

Those were the days when your garrulity made me smile
Like the flowers blossoming in the banks of river nile
For now I am missing that seraphic smile
Which culminates my visage to look like a senile

Those were the days when we used to debate
And I remember how everytime you made me wait
For now my tears has inundate
Oozed to the level to importunate

Life..

Everytime I look into the mirror,
you couldn't find a single error.
the day I don't look the mirror,
you find java.lang.Throwable error.

Everytime I motivated you,
you were filled with bliss.
when I needed motivation,
none was there even to diss.

Everytime you ditched,
I tried to stitch.
but none can go against the treacher life,
even when you are having a wonderful wife.

Everytime I had a dream,
you made me scream.
the louder i screamed,
more closer was I to my dream.

Poor SRK...

As the adage goes “Icons are not born rather made”. Icons are epitomized by billions of people in the globe irrespective of caste, creed, and race. But I know an Icon who seriously forged encroachment to multitudes of people. And he is none other than self-proclaimed (pun intended) King Khan. Here are few of his deed indeed needed to be mentioned…

1.He is the only reason why Shahid is still single.Sweet Shahid Kapur watched one of his movie (KKHH) in which Srk said “Hum jeete hai ek baar, marte hai ek baar, pyar bhi ekhi baar karte hai” (I live once,I die once,I love only once)These holy words got adhered into the cells of his temple as leeches get stuck to human skins. I guess this is why shahid never got into any relationship after the notorious break up with his first and only love (haha…hum jeete hai ek baar,marte hai ek baar …...)
Oh! my poor cow just watch the movie again that baskey married twice in the movie yaar.

2.Every mommas in the country have develop an abhorrence and are deeply upset with Srk as he is having a deadly impact on their children.Here is one conversation to follow
Audacious 10 yr child to his mom..
Son (strong voice): “Mummie mujhe isi ladki se shaadi karni hai.”(I want to marry this girl)
Mom (angry): “Kyun?”(Why)
Son (adamant): “Mujhe ussme rab dikta hai “(I see Lords image in her visage)
Mom (got red) : “toh?”(So)
Son (smiles) : “rab ko to na nahi kiya jaataaa naaa… “(We never ignore Lord)

3.Srk has even irked the younkers of this country.
Most of the deluded (by girls) rookies have began fuddling (after Devdas).Few people have heard them pouting” chandramukhi ya paro kya farak parta hai yaaro.”

Before the movie RNBDJ a mere red rose was too much to get a yes from a girl. But after watching that crap idiosyncrasies of the fairer sex has changed. They now want some unique style of proposing citing examples like torching up the streets (I LOVE YOU…punjab power lighting up your life jee)…what the eff? uska baap elec supply me hai kya (his dad is in electric co.)?

**There was a time when Bollywood was dominated by three mega stars - Dilip Kumar, Raj Kapoor and Dev Anand. These guys were far bigger than today's Kings and Queens but never used to proclaim who's is No.1....

P.S.This is my sheer innovation so dare not to share any of my jokes with cohorts

Mea-Culpa of the Taj Mahal...

“The Crown Palace” alias The Taj Mahal named after my third mistress Mumtaz Mahal, the jewel of the palace is the most mesmerizing masterpiece of my ancestors. If talented people hit the target which no one else can hit then comes a genius who hit the target without seeing it, my master was unanimously one. Beauty is the greatest seducer to the mankind and this genius was entangled by the ravishing aura of the princess that summed up my existence.
Twenty thousand labors were contemplating the script depicted by Ustad Ahmad Lahauri of Persia. Chiliads of elephants brought my bones (marbles) from different parts to frame me into the world’s framework.

If this world is considered to be a beautiful garden then I’m like a beautiful flower in it. I am ostracized by the ministerial to be gazed on a full moon as multitudes say I look bonniest on that day. The moon engulfs me in the ambience of lewdness. The couplets of stupid cupid swear by my exuberance.

I am lucky to have survived the radical changing world (world wars, indo-pak-china wars, terror strikes) for almost 400 years. There are gazillions replica made but none can compete with me. My master left no stone unturned so he chopped off forty thousand hands in front of me.
“Mea Culpa"...that was the most unbearable sight I have ever witnessed. The blood still oozes out like a gushing mountain stream and the fingers points at me. If Lord had provided me with choices then I would have audaciously chosen the hands when compared with my existence. Amino acid gushes out of my eyes that fills the river Yamuna (the reason for its saltiness). The onus of forty thousand hands still haunts me. How I wish if Lord can annihilate me and give their dues.

MAD-HE-MAD-ICS...

04/100 and 03/100 was my score in the first, second terminal examination(ripleys believe it or not!). Mesmerized? as a child who is seeing the magic but for the first time? yes this was my score in mathematics when I was in eighth standard (irony (breaking news): today I am an IT Engineer). Even Aryabhatta would have repented why he invented zero seeing the score of his indigenous student to be equivalent to it. Mathsophobia...more than seventy percent of greenhorn toddlers in India gets intimidated by the numeral system and being my inclination towards true patriot I was not left behind in-fact belonging to crème-de-la-crème of the seventy percent.

My aversion towards MAD-HE MAD-ICS began as an amateur when I was besieged to learn the multiplication tables and division juxtaposed to my woes. I contemplated, had there been only addition and subtraction, my stack of score could have been overflowed. My memory processing unit used to melt down whenever instruction like ÷,×,≥,≤,<,> came for opcode fetch. The memory read and memory write operations used to play game of swapping amongst in the neuron (yeah I really enjoyed learning 8085 microprocessor this semester :-)…. The huge Sridhar Acharaya formula still haunts me. How can any Indian with such spiritual name do this to another Indian?
At the eleventh hour of my exams I used to implore and adulate cohort for some illegal help.
My weary soul was searching for a lighthouse and I was like a floating ship without rudders.OMG! How I wish Taare Zameen Par was released at that time, I would have considered myself as “Lord’s Special child” .

I was deluded by people saying maths is as docile as a lamb. An inner racket woke my dormant mad-he-mad-ics talent. As vying got tougher (gratitude to my big ego…) it kindled my inner fire that was lurking for years. Consolidating my fragmented aplomb, I began to plan my maths innings. My first endeavor was to mug up the problems and guess what I was lucky enough… (Defacto : “something is better than doing nothing”) following the trend of Bengali egalitarian of mugging up everything. My sheer diligence fostered my score to move northward and abhorrence towards maths to move southward. My confidence grew more robust, mates independent and secure (java is too high on my priority list…)
As my adeptness pampered, the door of comprehending the problems got ajar and rest is history.

“Feed the faith fear will starve to death”

P S: Grammatical errors are intuitive to me and Chetan Bhagat..:-)

USA...The Root of Terrorism

As you sow so shall you reap…This adage became the de facto for the US of A when they were annihilated by the(shoes..sorry Bush but as the adage goes..:-) metallic kites in the worst terrorist attack ever on 9/11.The Presidential elect Barrack Obama is on record high advocating the escalation of military in Afghanistan. But history has something subtle to say . In the late 70’s the military of Afghanistan invited the People’s Democratic Party(PDP) to form a coalition government with the Marxist under the leadership of Noor Mohammed Taraki, a poet and novelist. Under his regime Afghanistan began to prosper as never before and Kabul became a cosmopolitan city. Girls education became compulsory, legalization of labor unions, women held top post in the government . People looked this as kaleidoscope of hopes. But the elitists poked their long nose because of the egalitarian and economic policies of the Taraki governance.

Almost immediately after the PDP coalition came to power, the CIA(Central Intelligence Agency of US), assisted by Saudi and Pakistani military(ISI), launched a large scale intervention into Afghanistan on the side of the ousted feudal lords, reactionary tribal chieftains, mullahs, and opium traffickers. The then Carter administration was providing huge sums to Muslim extremists to subvert the reformist government. Part of that effort involved brutal attacks by the CIA-backed mujahideen (Islamic guerrilla fighters) against schools and teachers in rural areas.. In 1979 Taraki was executed.

The seriously besieged PDP government asked soviet union to send a contingent of troops to help ward off the mujahideen and foreign mercenaries, all recruited, financed, and well-armed by the CIA. The CIA recruited almost 1 million radical Muslims from forty countries including Pakistan, Algeria, Iran and termed as holy war i.e the notorious Jihad. Ruling the country gangster-style and looking for lucrative sources of income, the tribes ordered farmers to plant opium poppy. The Pakistani ISI, a close junior partner to the CIA, set up hundreds of heroin laboratories across Afghanistan.


By 1995 an extremist strain of Sunni Islam called the Taliban---heavily funded and advised by the ISI and the CIA and with the support of Islamic political parties in Pakistan---fought its way to power, taking over most of the country, luring many tribal chiefs into its fold with threats and bribes. Suspected murderers and spies were executed monthly in the sports stadium, and those accused of thievery had the offending hand sliced off. The Taliban condemned forms of “immorality” that included premarital sex, adultery, and homosexuality. They also outlawed all music, theater, libraries, literature, secular education, and much scientific research. All men were required to wear untrimmed beards and women had to wear the burqa which covered them from head to toe, including their faces.


Upon taking over Afghanistan, the mujahideen fell to fighting among themselves. Several fled to home and others went to Pakistan and India to foster terror in the name of holy war and this way it spread to whole world. The US was paid back in its own coin. And now in the face of all this Obama’s call for “change” rings hollow.

Its all about Money

Do you think you know a lot about money? Maybe you do. Maybe you don't. But let's see if any of the following facts are in any way surprising to you:

1. More of our fantasies are about money... than sex.

2. If we could have any luxury in the world (and money didn't matter) more of us would choose to spend money on a butler and a maid than anything else.

3. 90% of Americans who own pets buy them Christmas gifts.

4. Money is the leading cause of disagreements in marriages.

5. 65% of Americans would live on a deserted island all by themselves for an entire year for $1,000,000.

6. For $10,000,000 most of us would do almost ANYTHING! Including abandoning our family and friends and our church. A very high percentage of us would, for that same amount of money, change our race or sex. And, 1 in every 14, would even murder someone for ten million bucks.

What's really strange about this is, the statistics remain the same whether it's ten million dollars all the way down to three million. For three million bucks, most of us would do the same horrible things we would do for ten million. But, guess what? Few of us would do these things for a "measly" two million.

7. 92% of us would rather be rich than find the love of our lives.

8. Here's a weighty one: Money (or the lack thereof) is the biggest stress inducer in the lives of Americans. We worry more about money than our marriages, our health, or even who's going to win the Superbowl Game or come out on top in the latest Survivor TV show.

9. If you get your money out of a Hitachi ATM machine in Japan, it will be laundered. The way they do it is, they briefly press the bills between rollers at high enough temperatures to kill most bacteria.

10. Women have very fixed ideas on how much they are willing to spend on a bra. 38.3% of women won't spend $30 for a bra. 28.4% won't spend $50. 10% would pay as much as $75. And, only 3.5% would shell out $100. But, you know what? Almost 20% of women say they would pay almost anything for a bra. This is because they consider (and I guess so do a few men) that the contents of what those bras are encasing is of extremely high-value.

11. Nearly half of the people who sell their houses with furniture included will take all the light bulbs out of all the lamps when they vacate the premises.

12. Most people won't bend over to pick up money lying on the sidewalk unless it's at least a dollar.

13. Most Americans think pennies are a pain in the ass and the U.S. Mint should stop making them.

14. There is about 405 billion dollars in circulation. Only 32 million of that amount is counterfeit. That means, the percentage of counterfeit money in America is .0079%. And, $20 bills are more often counterfeited than $100 bills.

15. Do people care if their bills are crisp? Indeed, they do. Fresh, crisp, clean bills are considered much more valuable than those which are old, wrinkled and dirty.

I once sent a 'dollar bill thank you' letter to a guy who sent a sincere letter back to me [no swearing please]ing the free $1 bill I sent him was wrinkled instead of crisp as I had described in the letter.

16. Let's flip a coin and try to guess whether it will come up heads or tails. Three times as many people guess 'heads' than 'tails'.

17. Here's one I personally think really [naughty word removed]s: One out of every four Americans believe their best chance of getting rich is by playing the lottery.

18. How about this one for a shocking fact: 5% of lottery ticket buyers buy 51% of all tickets sold. (Trust me, none of these people belong to the "Einsteins of America Society".)

19. A staggering 74% of us are influenced by how much we can win in a lottery as opposed to the odds of us winning.

20. That's a good thing for the Government because the odds of winning a lottery jackpot are about 10 million to 1.

21. A person who drives 10 miles to buy a lottery ticket is 3 times more likely to be killed in a car accident while driving to buy the ticket... than... he is to win the jackpot.

22. Sunday newspaper coupon inserts are the second-most read section of the paper, after the front page.

23. Few people know it but, you can buy single-disease insurance.

24. Only 6% of people in America regularly buy clothes tailor made just for them.

25. Here's one that's really important: 63% of us decide NOT to buy a product advertised on the Internet... because... we think the shipping and handling charges add too much to the order.

26. Eight times as many Americans would rather use an ATM than deal with a real live teller.

27. This one's going to blow your mind: 83% of Americans still pay with checks instead of credit cards!

28. Almost 30% of us say we would need 3 million smackaroos to feel rich. This ties in with the fact most of us would do anything for as little as $3 million... but... not nearly as many of us would do those identical things for a measly $2 million. (Hey, here's your chance to take advantage of that situation. If you only want to pay $2 million to have something done, ask me if I'll do it. The chances are, believe it or not, I WILL DO IT.)

29. Here's another fact which is really, really important: 80% of Americans say giving personal information (especially their credit card information) over the Internet scares the living [no swearing please] out of them.

30. Two-thirds of Americans say they wouldn't let their spouse spend the night and have sex with another person for a million dollars. Many of these people are liars. There's a big difference being asked if they would do it for a million dollars... as opposed to... handing them a paper sack containing the million fungolas and simply saying, "Here, you can have this if you'll let me sleep with your sweetie tonight."

31. The average wedding in America costs a staggering $20,000.00.

32. More than one-third of American women consider money more important than good sex to the success of a marriage.

33. According to Employee Benefits Research Institute 96% of all people who have jobs right now won't be eligible for their full Social Security benefits when they reach age 65.

34. When it comes to houses, more than anything else, people want a state-of-the-art kitchen.

35. When people shop for a car, what they want more than anything else is reliability for the best possible price.

36. One of the best ways to raise money for a charity is to have a free dinner for a lot of people and have an empty envelope tucked under their plate... for the express purpose... of making whatever size donation they want.

37. People tip more on sunny days than they do on dreary days.

38. More than 80,000,000 people call the I.R.S. Information Hotline phone number every year. One-third of those calls go unanswered. And, according to the Treasury Department itself, 47% of the answers the 'get-through' callers receive are incorrect.

39. Almost two out of three people have modified their financial behavior because of their fears.

40. Almost three times as many people who live in the South worry about losing their jobs as compared to people who live in the Midwest.

41. Which would you rather do: Shop till you drop... or... have great sex?

For men, this is a no-brainer.

However, more women would actually rather have an unlimited shopping spree than spend a weekend with a fabulous lover. In fact, the #1 favorite fantasy of women is to have a blank check to shop at their favorite store.

The favorite fantasy of men (at least in my opinion) is what we would like to DO to the sales girl... rather than... what we would like to buy from her